By Nancy Rugart Plummer, Columnist, The Times
Dear Nancy,
I was all ready to start dating again and even got a subscription to Match.com, when my mom called to let me know she has cancer. Now, she is in her 90’s and has many people, thank goodness, to take care of her, but I’m just feeling guilty. Am I wrong to want to go ahead with finding someone?
– Maria, Age 70, Newtown Square
Dear Maria,
I am so sorry about your mom’s diagnosis. No matter how old our parents are, the word “cancer” stops us in our tracks. Of course you are shaken, and of course you are questioning whether this is the right time to do something for yourself.
So let me answer you directly. You are not wrong. It is more than OK to go ahead with finding someone.
I say this not only as a relationship coach, but as a cancer survivor. My son and I co-authored Upbeat, Unstoppable, Unafraid, and one piece of advice we give every caregiver is this: take care of yourself. It is not selfish, and it is not optional. A caregiver running on empty has little left to give. The people who show up best for a sick loved one are the ones who are also tending to their own lives and their own hearts.
Guilt is not a stop sign
Your guilt is real, and it deserves respect. It tells you how much your mom matters to you. But guilt does not tell you what to do. Feeling guilty does not mean you are doing something wrong. It means you are a caring daughter trying to hold two things at once: worry for your mother and hope for your own future. You can hold both. Those two things do not compete.
What your mom likely wants for you
I have been on the patient side of this, and I can tell you what it looked like from my hospital bed.
During my treatment, my daughter was dating online. Instead of hiding it from me, she brought her phone to my bedside and showed me her matches. We read profiles together. We laughed at the ones posing with fish. We debated who seemed kind and who seemed like too much work. Those conversations were some of the brightest moments of a very dark stretch. For an hour at a time, I was not a patient. I was a mom, weighing in on my daughter’s love life whether she asked me to or not.
One day I looked at her and said, “If I’m going to die, I need you to pick someone!”
She picked. The man she picked is now her husband.
My daughter’s dating did not take her away from me. It brought her closer. It gave us something to talk about besides scans and side effects, and it gave me a reason to look forward. Hope is powerful medicine.
When you are the one who is sick, the last thing you want is for the people you love to put their lives on hold because of you. A mother in her 90s has spent a lifetime wanting her daughter to be happy and not alone. So show her a profile or two. Ask what she thinks. You may find, as I did, that it becomes something the two of you share.
You were ready. That matters.
You said you were “all ready” to start dating again. That readiness did not come easily. It takes courage to open your heart and put yourself out there. If you shelve it until life calms down, you may find life never quite does. There will always be a reason to wait.
How to do both well
- Go at your own pace. One coffee date a week still counts.
- Be honest. It is fine to say, “My mom is going through a health challenge, so my schedule may be unpredictable.” How someone responds tells you a lot about them.
- Lean on your team. Your mom has many people caring for her. Let them.
Maria, a partner who can stand beside you through a hard season is exactly the kind of connection worth finding. Go ahead and log in.
Warmly,
Nancy Rugart Plummer
